Posted by That Other Mike on 01/06/2008
Well, thanks for waiting. The Anti-Carnival of Douchebags and Arseholes, alternatively known as the dancing festival of wankbags, is finally here. You were all waiting, right?
Anyway, it’s divided into the two categories, with linkage and short explanations for why said person is being put there. After the fold is NSFW, unless you live in an exceptionally weird office.
Allecto, let’s start with you. You’re a misandric gobshite who aspires to criticise television and modern society, yet your only skill therein lies in injecting your own bias with a big, fat syringe until everything you write is a bloated bag of pustulent shite. You’re the kind of feminist that makes the rest of us look bad; hating and slandering men does not make you an advocate for women’s liberation, it makes you a hateful bigot. And your stream of consciousness poetry sucks.
Conservapedia.com – Andy Schlafly, you are the king of douchebags. You peddle moronic mischaracterisations of Atheists, rampant and rather suspect homophobia, an idiot’s version of history, science and politics. You suck, and so does your mom. You’re the worst thing about free speech, and you dishonour every political freedom you’ve ever used.
Ben Stein – for reasons too numerous to mention, you are a douchebag; although, thinking of it, I’ll just list the most egregious. You pimped out your Jewishness to sell your disgusting film by trampling all over the suffering in the Holocaust, you blamed a sweet old man who came up with a scientific theory for the worst human rights abuses the world has ever known, you perverted the good name of science by claiming it creates murderers and you spat all over freedom by abusing its mantle to peddle your disgusting filth. The only shame of it is that there’s not a designer intelligent enough to come along and fix your brain.
Rachel Moss, you are a huge douchebag. Not only because you spread the hate around, but because you ought to have known better, and because your “apology” afterwards was suckage, warp factor five. Your tally of wankbaggery and douchebaggery stands at hating people who claim ethnic minority status, hating fat people, hating trans* people and dehumanising everyone you saw there who wasn’t like you. Some people have said in the meantime that you have had previous issues with bulimia; while you have my sympathy, you don’t get off the hook for this. I don’t get to beat up people in wheelchairs and then blame my arthritis. You did a horrible, shameful thing, and what’s worse is that you did in what should have been a safe space.
Dswerling, we already know what faith is. No amount of patronising rephrasing and slippery reframing is going to change the fact that we already understand what it is; that is why we have rejected it. Dumbass.
Edward Tingley – You aspire to being a douchebag, but in fact don’t make it. You are the perfect example of a man educated beyond his ability to understand, the classic example of someone confusing verbosity with accuracy. Go and infest a Christian college somewhere, you ridiculous, wordy, old fool.
Kieffe & Sons – Mr Kieffe, the worst thing about you, besides your unbridled ignorance and out of control Atheophobia, is that you managed to trick some poor woman into bearing your vile spawn. The human race took an evolutionary step backwards because you had children; we are all now 10% genetically closer to lettuce.
The parents of the children whose teams got beaten by the one including Jaime Nared, you are all arseholes. There’s no shame in being beaten by a girl, especially not one who is a talented player. The fact that you put your own misogyny and discomfort above the right of Jaime Nared to play a competitive sport in which she is talented and which she enjoys should shame you all.
That’s all for now. Anyone who wants to weigh in is welcome. Anyone named in the carnival should just go away and be quiet somewhere, lest humanity turn its gaze on you again and expel you from the species.