So, my wife and I were talking about straplines for our blogs. She’s a big fan of House, the medical comedy-drama starring Hugh Laurie, and was looking through various quotations for something suitable, and we were laughing at the funny moments.
She also asked me what the hell my strapline meant, and it transpired that she’d never seen the famous cowbell sketch! After considering and ultimately rejecting divorce, I decided to hunt down the piece in question; it’s one of the best pieces of sketch comedy in the world, and anyone who doesn’t think it’s funny should be taken out and shot.
To set the scene – the following is a parody of VH1’s Behind the Music, and is about the events around the recording of Don’t Fear The Reaper.
Hehehehe… I know I should be sympathetic towards the woman, and I am, but I can’t help laughing just a little bit at her husband’s stupidity.
You can bet your arse that if I were to have nudie pics of my wife, they wouldn’t be accompanying me on a visit to a fast food joint, and they certainly wouldn’t be on something that I could accidentally leave lying around.
01) Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning.
02) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall (’cause it’s working for me, I tell ya) or hanging around Italians will turn you into a WOP.
03) Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract. I, for one, want to marry my office chair.
04) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn’t changed at all; women are still property (I happen to come with a couple of sheep. Any takers?), blacks still can’t marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.
05) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Britany Spears’ 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed and people may start cheating on their spouses… oh, wait a minute.
06) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn’t be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren’t full yet, and the world needs more children. And if you don’t plan on having children, you should be burned at the stake.
07) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.
08) Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That’s why we have only one religion in America.
09) Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That’s why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.
10) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven’t adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.
An Answerphone Message from The Meek
“Um… Yeah. Hi. Uh, this is the meek. Just wanted to, you know, give you a call. Cause of that thing. You know. Yeah. Anyway. The thing. Look, it’s not that we’re not, you know, grateful, but– Would you quit? Quit it. Guys. I’m trying to do this… Anyway, yeah. The thing. We’re, like, totally grateful and everything. But. The thing is, we don’t know what to do with it. I mean, like I said, we’re all so totally grateful for the opportunity. It’s a wonderful gift, in some ways, don’t get us wrong, it really is, but, uh… We’re not sure we’d know what to do with it. And there are probably more deserving people out there. Hundreds of them, right? I mean, we’re meek, right? Just not very assertive, is what it is, I guess I’m saying. Anyway, just wanted to let you know what we were thinking. I guess we thought maybe someone else would be better than us at, you know, doing something with it. Or something. I don’t know. Can you call us back? I don’t want to be pushy or anything about it, but I think maybe we should talk if you can spare the time. Or want to. Just to talk over this whole inheriting the Earth stuff. Maybe get some coffee with us or something? Anyway, you can reach us at–”
MANSON, Wash. — A Chelan County fire chief says a couple were lucky they weren’t killed by a cow that fell off a 200-foot cliff and smashed their minivan. District 5 Chief Arnold Baker says they missed being killed by a matter of inches Sunday as they drove on Highway 150 near Manson.
The 600-pound cow fell about 200 feet and landed on the hood of the minivan carrying Charles Everson Jr. and his wife Linda of Westland, Mich., who were in the area celebrating their one-year wedding anniversary. They were checked at Lake Chelan Community Hospital as a precaution.
The van was heavily damaged, including a broken windshield. Charles Everson says he kept repeating, “I don’t believe this. I don’t believe this.” The year-old cow had been reported missing by a breeder. It was euthanized at the scene. Link
I think my favourite part of the story, aside from the fact that it’s a cow falling from the sky, is the last sentence: